Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Exhausting Complexities of Want.

Moments later the joke was firmly on me as my mind and body finally relaxed enough to let the tricky questions pour in. I felt transcendent enough to appraise my own faux-ignorant mess from above, and chose to fight those questions back with excuses. Listless still, however, I could eventually do nothing but smile at my amateur interpretation of human nature at its lowest - my own personal stab at selfish want.

As she dreamily tried to tease me back towards the light it came to me that my conscious neglect and subconscious desires had finally agreed to disagree, and in a slip-speed moment I made the decision to turn my back on her, as cold hearted as it was miss-timed. 

We lay against each other, both emotionally and territorially opposed, and as I felt, too late, that inevitable and inviting chill slide over me I turned my eyes towards the floor and tried to calculate the effort it would take to stretch down and grasp my discarded crimson sheet, that lay, as she now surely would, just out of my reach.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I Am The Table!!

I've been working my way through a jar of organic, instant decaf this last week as a bit of an amateur experimental examination into what the hell is wrong with some people! Just how are they so calm and slow, especially in crowded metro stations when all I want to do is get past all these sedate, meandering weirdos at maximum speed using lightning reflexes to weave and duck?? Argh don't get me started. 

Ah well in fact I'm not even going to start, which is unusual right? It's the decaf kicking in, or rather, it's the decaf sucking the life out of me. I'm plodding along with a smile on my face instead of that determined grimace I normally sport at peak times, which could be a good thing depending on your point of view...

My point if view is there just isn't enough time for this kind of pleasantness right now, not in 2013, so next week I'm back on the real shit. And vodka again too possibly - been a while.

•   •  •

Monday, June 3, 2013

Forcibly Ejected


Yep, I got thrown out of a department store today for trying to buy a large black bag with a fake banknote. Actually, I was taken away in a truck, then dragged into a small brick outhouse where a small group of balding, security fuckwits tried to scare me into telling them where the rest of the fake bills are stashed, which I didn't expect to hear. There was a copy of Guantanamo Bay for Dummies on the desk I noticed. 


Later on I accidentally put the following image in E's head : being groped by a five-foot Mr Potato Head. I can't remember how it started but the result was she spent the evening squirming and occasionally murmuring the words "no" and "vegetable". I say "accidentally" but obviously it was deliberate ... feeling mean right now.

•.  •.  •

Monday, May 27, 2013

Test results ...

I have just this minute had it confirmed to me by a qualified medical person that my body clock is running 5 hours behind everyone else's. This is a massive relief, in a way, and has lifted a whole heap of pressure from my currently naked frame. Now the only task that remains for me to complete this morning is to inform those close to me of my new status, which shouldn't take too long - after which I'm going steal a moped, zoom back to my place and leap straight into bed - oh yes!

I laughed out loud at that piece of news, but not as loudly as I did when I read an article in the Herald Tribune yesterday; someone with limited ideas submitted a load of bullshit provided by "experts" who would have you believe caffeine is bad for you...

Experts! Give me a break, eh? Ok see you in 5 hours...

* * *

Monday, April 15, 2013

3.06 a.m.

It's that thing when you slide back into the room hoping no one noticed how long you had been in the bathroom, and your right leg is completely DEAD so you walk so slowly, admiring fucking everything in detail, nodding like a Pope, praying you don't collapse in a heap, destroying your fibula and varnishing the leg of the antique mantelpiece with your gelled head of hair.

"Where have you been?"

"Outside ... needed some AIR!"

"I missed you, and I don't even really like you - that's how long you were..."

"Can you, perhaps, keep it down? Everyone is staring."

"PSSSSSSST!" It was Hutch. "Jonas come next door! We have unlimited supplies of gin and a German globe for light!"

"Hutch I'll be with you in a sec ... right leg is ... deader than HELL!"

"Right-o, I'll save you a space under Tasmania!"

E continued,"what were you doing J? You were gone for an age. I had to make excuses, lies and tales of nonsense. Like you on a daily basis."

"I've discovered my 'patoullie' E," I tell her. "And it turns out it's all mine!"

She scoffs and turns back to our hosts. I grit my teeth and drag my leg through to the globe room.

* * *

Sunday, June 10, 2012


I'm not quite sure who I am right now. Seriously. I'm slightly slouched on a stool (or a tall chair, I can't remember what it looked liked before I slumped onto it) looking down at my shoes, my throat feels rough and hard. My lower jaw has extra weight and my voice, I only just discovered, sounds dark and detached. I'm blanking those I care about and shooting nonsense with someone I just met and instantly disliked. I may even have pulled my hood up - I feel blinkered by something.

The guy I only just met believes my subconscious is experimenting with my physical self, forcing me to hide under another skin but I'm not into his talk one little bit. I shout back at him that I hold that huge, black balloon in the sky responsible but he is just shaking his head and rolling his eyes while I point wildly at the ceiling.

Tomorrow I must try to make amends.

*   *   *

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Post Reality Check something or other ...

"I have one leg longer than the other," she said, seriously.

"Longer? You mean in length?" I asked, shaking my head. I couldn't think straight. "Or time?" I asked, as I shrugged and raised my hands, aware that I made no sense. Then I laughed, and she laughed, and I laughed more until I reached that point where I was too aware that I was laughing loudest and it was my own joke.
Laughing at your own jokes is like sniffing an aerosol - dumb, but enjoyable and difficult to stop abruptly. 
Today reality kicked in though, and that stupid afternoon seems rather unreal ... and I have been shocked to discover that its still possible to feel the same as you did when you were seventeen and something came along and knocked you sideways emotionally. The difference between now and then is that back then I wasn't aware such things were possible, and now I'm just shocked that they still are.
Is this making any sense? Not to me (I just read it back). I thought I was in control of some feelings and it turns out I'm not so with that I am going to eat something and lay down for a while.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Speed and distraction

• let me
I sucked on the end of my index finger and poked it into the plastic bag
• my seat is still warm from that girl who was getting off when we got on, E informed me as I put my finger to her mouth. She opened wide like a good citizen and let me rub the substance on her gums
• I'm not sure, I told her, but this seat may have been kind of warm too. Did you see who got up?
• a large man.
• God no, I whispered. That was the last thing I needed to hear. I squirmed and clenched my ass cheeks a little.
E was sticking a wet finger into the bag
• that for me? I asked. She answered by poking it into my mouth. It was three in the afternoon. The other occupants of the carriage were either looking at us with annoyance or disgust, or simply pretending with great force that we weren't there.
• I love having a warm seat on the Metro, she said. It like traveling first class, underground.
I looked into the eyes of the disapproving lady sitting opposite us and nodded at her.
• we have warm seats, I told her whilst wondering why I was even bothering. She would never understand. I could feel my veins pulse in my eyeballs.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Sparkling loon-hat

I'm seeing razor sparkles around the edges of my vision again, the result of my inability to relax, sleep or just kick back. E is giving me the caffeine talk as I sit here, which is amusing me no end because I've actually been pondering a return to the mute, sedated world of hard drugs these days and nights - mainly the days.

Surviving is becoming a tricky business - Nights, normally considered the hours of panic for anyone in this condition, are in fact are the easy part - I conquered wild-eyed insomnia years ago by just not going to bed and hitting the streets instead, feeding from the neon and sirens and finding inspiration in the habits of night people. Days are another story altogether but I'll get to that later. Time to get my thinking hat on.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

One hell

I just can't sleep,
Starting droning - 2 bottles of red will see you off,
That's a downward spiral ...
(Only if you try to stop, otherwise it's one hell of a ride.)